


The Tavern Wenches

by ScifiSOS



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Sex Talk, drunk ladies, gossipers, narrating varric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScifiSOS/pseuds/ScifiSOS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Drunken Ladies of the Inquisition join together at Skyhold for a good old gossiping circle. Varric randomly narrates, Dorian is dragged in and out of it. And we have to wonder if Cullen gets freaky with that fluff of his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tavern Wenches

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bored.  
> This is horribly written.  
> But it is out of boredom.
> 
> Warning: Terms like cock is used a lot. I think that's about it. Nothing to traumatizing. It's a crackish fic. I'm in such a good mood today that my writing sounds stupidly happy.
> 
> Characters:  
> Ghewen Lavellan - a carefree dalish mage  
> Serul [Adaar but she has no last name as headcanon] - a roguish roque who is constantly seen with Sera  
> Celestia Trevelyan - one of the three Trevelyan siblings at skyhold  
> Shok - once known as Saarebas but joined the inquisition with his wife after the events at Redcliffe.  
> Taevan Lavellan - a silent and grumpy assassin  
> Vayla - the Dalish inquisitor

"DORIAN, DORIAN. PSST DORIAN!”

“In Skyhold's tavern, a pack of women flock to squawk about tits and cock. The dwarf wonders ho-OW,” Varric rubbed his ‘injured’ arm. “And here I thought noblewomen were gentle and lady-like.”

Lady Celestia Trevelyan snorted as she downed the last of her beer. 

Dorian joined the ladies, and the dwarf, at the table. Suspiciously eyeing the amount of empty bottles and mugs. Varric lifted his mug and grumbled something about ‘doom’ and ‘women’. One of the ladies ordered Dorian a drink. The barmaid delivered it quickly, fluttered her eyes at Dorian, who simply smiled and nodded before ignoring her completely.

“Now, now ladies, I wasn't planning on sticking around long enough to burp and bellow with the lot of you.” Dorian grins at Ghewen, the blond Dalish leaning against him. He gripped his mug and took a sip before frowning at the taste. 

“Doooorian.”

“Yes? How may I help you my drunken friend?” 

_“DOOORRIIAAAN.”_

He grimaced as her breath met his nose. “Maker, what have you been drinking? Your breathe is wretched.” 

Varric and Dorian jumped when someone slammed their mug on the table, heads turning to the drunk Qunari rogue. Serul leaned in with a terrifying smirk on her face. “SO! We were wondering how you like Bull Dorian!”

Sera burst out laughing and practically flung herself off the bench. Too drunk to get up from the floor. The girls started giggling in an insane manner and he-  


“-And the tevinter mage felt shivers go down his spine. He is facing his biggest enemy yet – drunk gossipy women.”

“Varric, I think I'm in shock! Their trying to mold me into their gossipy society of women chatter.” Dorian muttered. “How much have they had to drink?”

“Well I’ve lost count after-“

“SHUSH now Varric.” Celestia muttered. She continued ‘shushing’ the now quiet dwarf who watched with amusement. “We must know the finer details of Dorian and Bulls union.”

“Union?” Dorian whispered as he gazed around wide eyed.

“Iron Bull has a big cock huh?”

Dorian looked down at this elven fiend. She continued, ignoring his obvious horror. “Taevan and I, we had threesomes with him in the beginning. Ya’know before you and all. You showed up all flashy and mustache. Then both of them flocked to you and I couldn't even watch anymore!” She pouted.

Dorian sputtered. “Wha- I-“ He groaned and downed the rest of his beer. “Horse piss. What is wrong with you women? And you, I thought you had Solas to swoon about.” He said, staring pointing at Ghewen. The elf pouted. 

“He’s so prickly.” 

“Prickly? Really? I had no idea.” Dorian muttered sarcastically. He signaled the barmaid for another beer. “Have you even had sex with him yet?”

The elf groaned. “NO! Heavy petting at the best. It feels fantastic when he touches my-“ Dorian coughed loudly and Varric glared at the obvious censor. “Ugh, sometimes I wish Bull and Taevan wasn't so interested in you. Or me interested in eggy. Otherwise I'd jump in for some fun time. You'd let me wouldn't you Dorian? It can be a foursome.”

Celestia went hysterical. “EGGY. HA.” She hide her face in her arms. 

“Sometimes I wonder about you Ghewen. And as long as your women bits stay away from my man bits I'd be fine with that. Wait, no, not really. Their mi-”

"Can I watch then?"

"No I-"

“Is his cock big?” Serul asked again. “I mean, I've seen some Qunari cock before but Bull is HUGE. His cock has to be as thick as his arm.”

“When have YOU ever seen Qunari cock? Or a cock ever?” Sera asked from the floor.

“Does Taevan still bottom? I always wondered how Bull’s cock didn't buldge in his stomach. He’s so tiny, you’d think he’d split in two. Heck, I'm so tiny - how did he even fit in me?”

“If you’re all so curious why didn't you just ask Ghewen? She's certainly willing to talk about it.” Dorian nodded to the barmaid who finally delivered his drink. He swallowed half down immediately. Women. And his father had wanted him to marry one. Preposterous. 

“Something about never paying attention to detail because it was fucking fantastic.”

“Sounds about right.” Dorian muttered into the mug. He flushed at the smug look Varric gave him. “Oh don’t you dare write that down you insane dwarf.” 

“Do you ever double penetrate each other?”

“Are you KIDDING? Fitting Bull is one thing, but if either Taevan or I even attempted double penetration – we’d die.” Dorian finished his mug. “Actually now I’m curious. Would that be even possible? Considering his size.”

“Taevan and Bull teamed me before. It was grrrrrrrrrrreat.”

“Women have more options.” Dorian cleared his throat looking for an opportune moment to escape.

Celestia propped her head up with a lazy smile. “Yes, we do.”

The table silenced.

“Are you telling me you actually let Blackwall near your corn hole?!” Serul yelled. Sera giggled on the floor. “HA. Corn hole. Corn. HA.”

“I thought women were all like 'EW NO DON'T GO NEAR THERE'.”

“Tall, dark and gloomy just got interesting. But please, don’t elaborate on our behalf.”

Celestia sneered. “I’m not a complete prissy noble. I am open to new…adventures. It felt good. Strange, but good. Does it feel strange for you all the time Dorian?”

Dorian shook his head. “I prefer men, remember? Why would a cock in my ass feel strange at all?” Varric snorted and was promptly shushed by the Tevinter mage.

Ghewen leaned in front of Dorian. ‘Excuse you-‘

“I thought humans were all stuck up prudes. How are you so different?”

“I lived in Orlais for a time, while sex is a secretive affair, it can get…creative.”

Dorian raised a brow. “Really? Those puffy Orlesians know how to have fun outside the Game?” 

“Yes, all you need is rope, a mask, a spoon, and a feather.”

“Spoon?”

“Did they stick the feather up your butt or something?”

“Why would anyone stick a feather up their butt Sera?”

“I don’t know, you think the Inquisitor and Cullen are into that stuff? Cullen has that fluff on his shoulders all the time. Maybe he likes to get freaky with it.”

“You mean that Puppy? Please, ladies, Cullen is probably one of those slow lovers. And Vayla is such a nice person. I don’t think they ever have rough sex.”

“I don’t know, it makes a great story. The kind gentle Inquisitor who commands the Commander with her sexualness. Shit, I shouldn’t have drank so much.”

Ghewen giggled. “You all need to talk with Vayla more. She’s more sexually aggressive than you think. There is no WAY they haven’t roughed it up since the first time.”

Sera giggled. “She did say the desk was sturdy. Sturdy desk. Ew. I touched that desk.”

Ghewen suddenly started jumping up and down in her seat, waving her arm like a crazed woman.

“Oh, HEY, HEY TAEVAN. TAEVAN. COME HERE. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT COCK.”

Dorian turned to look at his lover, well one of them anyways. The elf was glowering at Ghewen and stomped away to where Bull sat. “Ghewen, what exactly did you do to make him glare like that? It’s sexy and intimidating.”

“I got him so fucking drunk that he couldn't go on the mission he'd been assigned.”

“Really? He’s such a control freak outside of bed.”

Celestia snorted. “An assassin should never get drunk, we’re too paranoid.”

“But you’re drunk.”

“Because I’m the superiorer assassin.” Celestia began tugging at the back of her pants, trying to get something.

"What are you doing?"

“No, bad noble, don’t you dare-“

“AAAAAAAAAH!”

“-throw that knife. Damn. Barmaid fainted.”

“Hey, Dorian, if you are into qunari – what do you think of Shok?”

“That Qunari mage? Doesn’t he have a wife? Why would I take time out of my day to long after someone who is taken?”

“You’ve looked.”

“Yes, I looked. Can you blame me? Bull opened my eyes to a world full of Qunari cock. Will my curiosity ever be sated? ”

""Will my curiosity ever be sated?' He exclaimed throwing his head back dramatically. His eyes sparkled with unshed tears as sparkly roses floated in the background."

"Varric, I think you've had too much to drink my friend."

“Well, which would you prefer – Bull or Shok?”

"Shit, those roses are really fucking sparkly."

“ME. OF course.” Bull roared happily, appearing suddenly. “Dorian squawked –“‘I did not, I elegantly gasped in surprised’- as he was lifted into the air and lifted onto Bull’s strong and muscular shoulders.” Varric narrated. The girls laughed as Dorian hissed and cursed in Tevene while a tiny elf followed eagerly out of the tavern.

Later that night, the tavern wenches of the Inquisition could be seen stumbling through the night to their respected lovers. Skyhold's tavern barmaid woke up and prayed for one free night of their gossipy, knife throwing sparkly terror.

**The End.**

Varric was nursing his hangover when he saw Dorian passing through the hallway. He stopped the limping mage handing him a small stack of papers. "Hey, Sparkles, do you know what this is all about?"

**Author's Note:**

> I wish my male inquissy, who isn't really inquissy, can have a threesome with bull and dorian in game.  
> It's my headcanon now.


End file.
